Wealthy AF Podcast

Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage (w/ JJ Flizanes)

• Martin Perdomo "The Elite Strategist" • Season 3 • Episode 487

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What if the invisible scars from your childhood are the ones holding you back from success today? Discover the profound impact of core wounds on your personal and professional life as we speak with empowerment strategist JJ Flazanes. JJ brings a wealth of knowledge to the table, explaining how early experiences of abandonment and rejection can lay the groundwork for self-sabotaging behaviors in adulthood. Through illuminating personal anecdotes and expert insights, she provides a roadmap for identifying and healing these deep-seated wounds, offering a transformative path to personal growth and healthier relationships.

Imagine understanding why you react the way you do, not just emotionally but subconsciously. JJ dives into the science behind emotional patterns and subconscious circuits, revealing how early childhood experiences, birth order, and even your astrological makeup can shape your behavior. By sharing her own journey of overcoming recurring relationship challenges, JJ illustrates the power of self-awareness and the steps necessary to break free from ingrained patterns. This episode is rich with practical advice for rewiring these core wounds, enabling you to interpret past traumas through a lens of compassion and change their lasting impact.

Ready to elevate your financial success? JJ discusses the broader implications of core wounds on wealth creation, particularly for entrepreneurs. Learn how stepping out of comfort zones and increasing stress tolerance can lead to greater fulfillment and financial prosperity. JJ shares compelling stories of client transformations, showing how addressing deep-seated issues can unlock both personal and professional growth. Stay tuned to find out how you can connect with JJ’s extensive body of work, including her flagship show "Spirit, Purpose and Energy" and a multitude of other resources that can guide you on your journey to becoming Wealthy AF.

CONNECT WITH JJ!
https://www.instagram.com/jjflizanes/
https://jj-flizanes.mykajabi.com/14-day-manifestation-challenge-1

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Speaker 1:

You're listening to Wealthy AF, the podcast where we cut through the BS and teach you what it truly means to be Wealthy AF. Today's guest is JJ Philzanes, and JJ is a renowned empowerment strategist and the visionary creator behind Empowering Minds Network. Her passion lies in empowering people with the knowledge and awareness needed to live their dreams. Jj, welcome to the podcast.

Speaker 2:

My dear Thank you so much. I'm very excited to have this conversation with you, Martin. I love talking about wealth in all ways.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, well, you know, wealth is not just money, it's spiritually, it's mentally, it's friendships, it's a lot of health. Well, you know, your health is your wealth, in my opinion that's the most important thing.

Speaker 2:

So today's topic we're going to be talking about is understanding and transforming self-sabotage. What is self-sabotage? Somehow find a way to reject it or not allow it in, or to destroy it or ruin it. Because, well, because of what I believe is a combination of a couple of factors. One would be your core wounds, which says to you somehow in your subconscious that you don't deserve this, that you're not good enough, that you're not smart enough, and then your upper limits, where we don't practice no-transcript systems and the same habits. And most of the time it's it's a subconscious, because people say, well, I didn't want to do that, I want the thing. On the other side of that, I didn't mean to self-sabotage. It happens a lot with people who like diet or want to try to save money or make more money, because they'll say well, I know what the right thing to do is, but I got so emotional and I got so triggered that I had to go do this other thing I always do, which keeps me from getting more of what I want.

Speaker 1:

How do you grow into more?

Speaker 2:

So, depending on what your core wound is. That's sort of why I started to do this work. One of the reasons why I started to do this work is because, if you don't understand, so let me explain what a core wound is. From the time you're in the womb and about three months before you're born until you're seven, your brain isn't conscious. It is in a delta and a theta state, and the delta is like sleeping, and then theta is actually sort of your hypnosis brainwave. It's that you're just literally taking in all the information and you're recording things as fact. You don't have the ability to think about thoughts. You don't have the ability to problem solve in your mind or have a different point of view or be the observer. Yet that comes a little bit later in brain development. So if your parents left you and you were crying your head off, and because they were taught detached parenting, you might have assumed that well, I guess that's it. I've been abandoned and I'm not important and I'm being ignored. And again, the brain's just recording this information and this is what becomes our belief system. This is our, these are our core wounds. Or our brain for survival reasons, makes sense of why I'm not getting love and attention and how do I survive in this family and in this world? So all of this stuff gets developed and you're not conscious of it, it gets just embedded into your subconscious. So then, when we get older, we play out these core wounds. We play them out in our belief systems, we play them out in what we attract. And why you need to know them is because, if you want anything different than you currently have, it's my belief that this is the roadmap. This is where it starts. In order to heal them, you have to know what they are first of all. So I'll give you one as an example. So in the case of the abandoned, so let's say someone feels abandoned and you'll know that you are someone who feels abandoned. When you get very nervous or anxious, when someone doesn't return a phone call or someone doesn't check in with you, and it's seen in sort of what people think are like the clingy women who the guy doesn't call her back right away and she literally has an anxiety and a panic attack and it's like, well, why? Well, because she probably has a core root of being abandoned which makes her codependent. So, without, without understanding that, we don't know how to heal it. You might just judge her and say, well, you're crazy. She's not crazy, she has a core wound of abandonment. But we have to take responsibility for how we also treat ourselves, and so that's why I like to. I call. I created something called a core wound map and it's within a program of mine. I created something called a core wound map and it's within a program of mine. It's in two programs actually that I do and it's sort of like I like the fastest path to success, the fastest path to clarity and change.

Speaker 2:

So let me know what I'm dealing with, because too many people go into therapy for years talking about the same darn story over and over and over and over again. They're the victim of their own story and they don't make any behavioral changes. Or maybe, if they do, they avoid things. They say, oh, that person's bad or that person's a narcissist. Let me label everybody so I'm the victim and make everybody else bad and wrong.

Speaker 2:

But ask yourself did you grow or change? See, to me, healing is when you're different in the same situation, not you avoiding the situation or saying, well, I'm not happy, so I'm going to get divorced, quit my job and move. Okay, well, you take you with you. So you're probably going to recreate all of it wherever you go. You didn't really heal anything. You just quit everything. That's like avoidance.

Speaker 2:

So you know, I want people to heal. I don't want them to be feel powerless over situations, over saying, well, I'm, I'm an overeater, so I can't go to someone's house to eat. It's stupid, it's just stupid. So I even created a class called the Three Reasons why Toxic Therapy is Ineffective. Because after being in certain therapeutic situations having clients as therapists, like watching current clients who were in therapy, like watching them in the therapy and seeing that the advice was given didn't actually ever get to the root cause of their pain and their relief systems and just dealt with the surface level stuff of decision making and maybe some behaviors changed, but they weren't. They weren't healing any of those wounds.

Speaker 2:

So I'm a big fan of like get to know what you're dealing with. You're going to go. If you have a pain and you go to the doctor, you would hope that the doctor although of course in our current system that's not going to happen would do some tests, would like do a thorough evaluation from top to bottom, holistically, of all of the different factors that could be causing your symptoms, versus just give you a pill and say good luck, I hope it works. But so that's different. I'm root cause oriented. I'm not I'm not, you know, topically inclined to just get rid of pain and suffering.

Speaker 1:

Yes, so you mentioned the cord or wound map. So I got. Healing is when you're different in the same situation. But you said there were three things. What are those three things in your cord wound map?

Speaker 2:

Well, there's three sections. The first section is to identify. There's a whole series of like an exercise to fill out in order to start identifying them, but it's extracting from the data. It's like if you get your blood work drawn. There are certain things that you could pick out if youizations based on the evidence of all the different parts and pieces and how they work together. So like, for instance, if you have higher cholesterol but you don't have your CRP or C-reactive protein, which is your inflammatory markers, if they're really low and your cholesterol is not a problem, cholesterol is not really a problem, but you know, it really shows that there's no risk of heart issues because you have really low inflammation even though your cholesterol is a little high.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so what? It's good for you, you get hormones from that. So same thing with this core wound map. We have all the data and then we have to extract the data and make sense of it and do something with it. So I focus on the first section is finding out what somebody would fill out your top three core wounds. Once we figure out what your top three core wounds are, we understand there's a circuit. So, martin, I'm sure we all get triggered, but can you remember a situation where you've been triggered before Of course.

Speaker 2:

Okay, and I'm sure, within seconds of you being triggered, you had an emotion and you had a reaction and you didn't think about it, you didn't plan it and you kind of didn't choose it. It was habitual because it was repeated and it was ingrained in your brain. Yes, Yep.

Speaker 2:

All right. So this circuit is going to run its course because it's already a pathway in your brain. Understanding the circuit and what it's comprised of is important for changing the pattern. So, for instance, someone who is abandoned might react by having fear and then their reaction is to cry or like beg for love and attention or to get into a manic state. So it's identifying step one, step two, step three of this circuit.

Speaker 2:

The circuit is like get triggered which, by the way, is in your subconscious.

Speaker 2:

Your subconscious is interpreting a situation and then all of a sudden you're off to the races like this this brain path has been triggered and you go oh and you find yourself having the same emotion and then doing the same behavior. So we have to understand that circuit so you can identify it when it happens, because the only way to start to slow it down is to be able to step back from it and notice it, and go oh and catch it, even hopefully, when you're doing the reaction, to be able to make a different choice. So that's the first part, because I think it's clarity, because I have it happen with my clients that they'll be in a situation and they'll be like why do I feel this way and then, the minute they do, they step back and go oh, oh, my God, that's the wound that was triggered. They step back and go oh, oh, my God, that's the wound that was triggered and they feel this immense amount of relief. They're not crazy Like this is oh, this is my core, this is a pattern, I get it and it's running my life.

Speaker 2:

So that's the first step. Any questions about that?

Speaker 1:

No, no, I'm all ears, I'm. Second step Identify. Identify the core of one and seven, right Between one and seven, when your brain-.

Speaker 2:

Zero and seven.

Speaker 1:

Zero and seven. Yeah, Zero. And seven. Yeah, zero and seven. When your brain is just a receiver, you call it the beta state is what you called it.

Speaker 2:

So the brain has several brain waves right, and your alpha wave is where we're kind of right now in. We're in an alpha wave. Right now we're in consciousness. Um, there's a step underneath it, right before you go to sleep, called theta, and then underneath that when you go to sleep is called delta. So we have and there's beta in there too. But so alpha and beta are conscious states, but theta is like a hypnotic state and it's it's right that it's that dream state. It's where when you get hypnosis, they're getting you into a theta state.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and then you insert commands into the unconscious mind.

Speaker 2:

Right, right. So that's the theta state, which is why these programs, these patterns, these belief systems get embedded pretty quickly. It's like to be careful what you say, not even what you. You say what you do and how your child or somebody under seven is interpreting what's going on. And even if you rationalize, it's like there it doesn't, like the damage has kind of been done, unfortunately. Like they're just interpreting and and their and their ways of interpreting are based on many different factors. So like you can't assume, because you'd interpret something one way, that they're going to interpret the exact same way. That that's not how everybody works.

Speaker 1:

Is that the reason why you can have multiple siblings? You can have two or three siblings grown up in the same household, being taught the same exact things, yet one goes out and is extremely successful in the world, by whatever that means is, and the other one is just an alcoholic or just interpreted things differently. Is that how that happens Because of what you're doing right now?

Speaker 2:

Well, you're actually. You kind of speak in my language it's happening in a family close to me and I think that, depending on there's birth order that's a factor there's astrological, which is what most people don't even realize. Astrological, which is what most people don't even realize. Astrological is almost everything, because how you're energetically built astrologically is how you interpret the world. So I am a Pisces with a lot of Sag. So what does that mean? And again, it's like a recipe. There's many planets. It's not as simple as what's your birth sign. Okay, well, there's more to you than your birth sign. In fact, if I just pick one planet to care about the most, it's your moon, because your moon is how you deal with emotion. Well, I have a Sag moon, so how I deal with emotion is to find out the truth, is to learn. Saggers love to learn and grow, and to me, I can. That's how I actually learned this core wound work when I was so I was married to somebody, or not married any longer, but in the process. This is one of the reasons why I learned all this.

Speaker 2:

When we did this core mode exercise. Prior to doing it, there was a behavior that I had, because, as a Sag, I want to teach as a trainer, as a coach. I want to teach because I think, because I value information and knowledge, because it helps me with clarity and it helps me make decisions. So I of course think I was acting from the wound of that. Everybody else is going to interpret this the same. So let me help you by teaching you. And he said to me once, or more than once you know that thing you do doesn't work. And honestly, martin, I'm like, yes, I know 100 percent, I can see that it's not working. I get it, but for some reason I couldn't stop doing it. That alone, just him telling me that it didn't work, wasn't enough for me to change my behavior.

Speaker 2:

When I did the core wound exercise and I saw how far back this pattern went to my childhood I instantly stopped doing it. Because that awareness, that pattern and where it went to and why it was there, that's how I learned. That's how I process emotion. It's a little more intellectual but I do, as a Pisces, allow all those emotions to flow.

Speaker 2:

But if you have somebody who is an air sign in their moon, they are thinking their thoughts, they are thinking about their feelings. They may not be feeling their feelings If you have somebody who's a water sign moon they may be extremely emotional and sensitive and take everything personally and anyway. So understanding that how we all look at the world is very different and astrology helps gives us that framework of understanding what you value and what's important. Because I have so much fire in me, I am an action taker.

Speaker 2:

Now, someone with a lot of earth or a lot of water may not be. They may be drowning in their emotions. They may be prone to anxiety and depression and alcohol abuse and drug abuse because they're trying to escape the flood of the feelings that they have all the time that they don't have any tools to know how to manage. So this is why, yes, in a family, every family, I'm going to say that people interpret things differently and they make it mean something different. They make it mean that they're not good enough, they're not smart enough, they, you know they're unworthy.

Speaker 1:

And yeah, so good point. I heard it once said that we're all meaning making machines as human beings. So every experience we give meanings, we constantly give it meanings, meanings. And if we, if we just, instead of interpreting something, when, whenever, you give something a negative meaning, try asking the question of what else could this mean? Right, hey, what else could this mean? And go down that like, hey, someone, someone didn't text me back fast enough, right, jj, you didn't text me back. So what is going on with JJ? She mad at me. It's been there. Well, what else could it mean? Could it mean that she lost her phone? What else could it mean? Could it mean that she left her phone at home? What could could it mean that she's in a meeting, and an important meeting, like, what else could it mean? And it just starts to kind of break that, that emotion down. So you gave us one, which is identify what would be the second part of of your the core wound and to clarify one it's not just identify the wound, it's identify the circuit, the pattern.

Speaker 2:

So what the wound? So the street part to that circuit. It's what's the wound, what's the emotional reaction? And then what's the behavioral reaction? Like what do you then do?

Speaker 2:

So, um, and and I I'll add one more thing to what you just said, because well, two things actually one most of the stories we tell ourselves are not true. So most interpretations we have about stuff, the stories that we tell about why this person did this or that, or why they think or said this or that, we're wrong. We're absolutely wrong. The story we have in our head is wrong. So that's the first thing to know that most things that we, we assume we're wrong because it's only one point and it's not you didn't ask the person. I always say, when someone says, well, that person did this, it's because of this. I said, did you ask them? Well, no, well then, how do you know that? That's why they did that.

Speaker 2:

But I encourage my clients, when we're going through any of the programs, I'll say and they have a, you know, they have their core one story and they have their. They've been triggered and I said, okay, after they tell the story about what they've interpreted this to mean I say, can you find a more compassionate, positive version of that? Like I had a client once whose dad left her a couple of times, like forgot to pick her up from school or something, and I knew the details of the family and the story and I said, well, is there another, more compassionate way to interpret this? And I didn't have to help her too much. She came up with it. But it's that her dad was an entrepreneur and he had multiple businesses. And I said and she came up with which is what I was thinking that her dad was so busy trying to make money to provide for the family that he lost track of time because he juggles lots of balls. So of course, that feels a lot better than feeling like you're not important enough to be remembered, to be picked up from school, so okay.

Speaker 2:

So second section of this map is if your core wound was just as simple as it happened one time, like a trauma and that's all the power that it had, then it wouldn't be such a big deal. But because it creates a belief, we keep that core wound active. We live that belief as if it's true. We do it unconsciously, but we do. So. Let's say, for instance, someone's core wound is abandonment. So I'll go to that second section and I'll take each one of the core wounds and ask them to tell me three ways they do it to themselves. So in the case of abandonment, I'd say how do you abandon yourself? And then we look at the ways in which they're perpetuating, keeping this belief alive.

Speaker 2:

So, for instance, I have a client in a group this year. She was in a group last year and last year's group she was in was the business group. She's in my mastermind and she has a core wound of abandonment and even though she knows that and she's done 20 years of work on that, it wasn't enough. Her passion wasn't enough yet for her to overcome that core wound. She did realize what it was and she did take responsibility and ownership, but it didn't change the behavior. This year she's in my date, your body group, which is a focusing on changing your relationship with your body and body shame and, you know, treating yourself with love and respect.

Speaker 2:

And the core wound of abandonment is now being shifted because she's showing up for herself like she never has before, because it's more simple. It's really just about her. We have to go start with ourselves before we can, you know, put, invest in ourselves and realize we're doing that to help other people. So she's showing up for herself, she's exercising, she's changing her food choices, she's changing the way she talks to herself, she's committing she's committing to support, she's doing the things. So we have to shift and we can't keep doing the things to ourselves that we have this belief about. Otherwise, we're the mirror for how other people treat us. We have to heal within ourselves. So, whatever your core wounds are, you have to do the opposite of that. You have to start creating a new pathway, a new belief system, by stopping the behavior that you're doing to reinforce it.

Speaker 1:

What are you finding are in your practice? What do you find that are the common core? Wounds, like you're, like hey, this one keeps showing up, this one like the most common with the people you've worked with devalued.

Speaker 2:

I'm reading a list because there's not that many, because they all can be really brought into these common fears. So abandoned, rejected, made to feel guilty, shamed, disapproved of, suppressed and devalued, those are the ones that out of this, this list, and there's not too many more, but those would be the top ones.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's interesting. So there's just like a few common, like there's a few that you identify as a practitioner patterns amongst the people you've worked with, and how do you uncover this? So, if someone's listening and they might be identifying with some of the things you're saying, like abandonment, hey, that's maybe that's why I do that. If you had, if there's a listener out here, and of course, this, this podcast, is to empower people. My mission and purpose in life is to empower people and empower them to become better version of themselves.

Speaker 1:

If they're listening to you right now and they're like, okay, I might have some of these, how or how do I uncover that? What can I do, jj, to help myself? Where can I get this, this core wound map, and maybe do that? I don't know if you give that away or something, but we could talk about. You know, I don't know what you, you know what you have, but if there's some self work that they could do or is there anything you can you recommend, a strategy thing to help get you know work on themselves, what would that be?

Speaker 2:

Let me go from free to recommended. Well, I've had many people tell me and not cause I don't. This is more personalized work and we do it in a group or we do it one-on-one and or you can do it on your own. I have created a course called the roadmap to emotional healing and you will get the. You'll get your core wounds and you'll get the beginning of the map. But there's a third section to this map that I created in the last two years that didn't make it into that program and most people actually have a hard time even trying to extract it on their own. I mean, I didn't when I did it, and so someone that has a brain like me could probably do this on their own. No problem with the course. Now I have to go back.

Speaker 2:

So this work is based on the work of Imago Therapy created by Harville Hendricks and Helena Kelly Hunt. That's where the initial core wound exercise came from, but that's as far as it goes, and if you want to get that workbook, it's getting the love. That you want is the workbook and you would get the exercise in the workbook. However, you will not get the map. That's my work. My work was taking this work and deepening it, making it more specific, making it more user friendly, getting to the point and changing how to rewire your brain.

Speaker 2:

So I actually have a course called Rewiring your Core Wound Patterns and it includes the roadmap course, but it's a small group coaching, because the third step in the map is why I have these small group coaching programs and I have other trainers that do them also. Because it's the hard part Okay, this isn't trainers that do them also. Because it's the hard part okay, this isn't. Most of us don't change unless there's some big ugly, scary, hairy thing in front of us, whether it be cancer or a divorce or something about your kid, like you, literally mostly are forced into change. Yes, pain.

Speaker 1:

Pain is usually when, when you think and when I think. Historically, as a 46-year-old male, whenever I've really had really changed, real change, lasting change, has come from a really painful experience and I'm like I'm never going to go through that again. Right, I'm never going to change the behavior in the future. Usually most of us. That's how it works.

Speaker 2:

Right? Well, this is a way to not let it get that bad, yet if you can help it. So it's the understanding, though, that, in order to rewire your brain, you have to do things that are out of your comfort zone. They will be uncomfortable, and most people do not like to be uncomfortable, and most people do not like to be uncomfortable. However, if you understand the concept of that, you have to in order to change these patterns in some way, shape or form, there are there are many different methods to do this. I shouldn't say many. There are some. There's energy, psychology and different methods that people can do some of these things, and I've worked with a ton of different healers in my lifetime and on my podcast, and what and the reason why I keep coming back to this, and I was all about subconscious and subconscious because, of course, it makes sense, this is where all your patterns and habits are.

Speaker 2:

However, your conscious brain is still a computer that, when it looks at something, makes an interpretation, so I have seen people go through really, really high level effectiveings, come right back out of it and assess the situation the exact same way, decide and interpret the same situation the same way. I'm like hold on. Maybe we cleared some of the grief and the anxiety and inherited emotional DNA underneath all that pain that you had. But we're not helping if you still look at the same situation and see it the same way. That's what I do. I help people look at something, okay. So Wayne Dyer has a quote when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. You have to change the way you look at things. If you don't interpret it differently, then there's no amount of healing you're going to do. That's going to not prevent you from reactivating this wound. And it's not about looking at it differently from a pie in the sky, kind of like, not like in a real way, like with real information, with real frameworks.

Speaker 2:

So the third part of the map is after you figure out the three core wounds and how you keep doing that to yourself, the three different ways you keep these three core wounds alive, and part of it is so. That way you'll change that behavior. You'll understand that, oh, I self-abandon all the time. How do I self-abandon? I don't show up for things, I hide, I don't invest in myself, I whatever. Whatever it is, you'll figure it out, okay, and yes, the idea would be to stop some of those behaviors or change or pivot those behaviors. But the third section of the map is we don't want to wait until we're triggered to change this pattern. We have to be proactive about changing the pattern.

Speaker 2:

So I ask people to take one action, to start from each wound, of what they can proactively do, whether it be daily or right now, or sometime this week or some big thing you can do. That's going to send the message to your brain that you are important, that you are worth investing in, that you are worth spending time with, that, you are lovable, whatever, again, the wound is and we figured that out together or with the help of a coach, based on, again, all the data that we have that you filled out in the beginning with this exercise. So that gives somebody something to do about it. It's one thing when you have awareness, because I'm sure you've experienced, and people listening have experienced, whether it be you or someone you know.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I've been through that. I talked about that in therapy. Why is it bothering me? I dealt with that in therapy for five years but all of a sudden it's bothering me now because you just talked about it. You didn't do anything different, you didn't live any differently and you didn't take responsibility for your own wounds. You can work on a mother or father issue, but until you have a life experience that changes how you react, until you change how you see it, until you change how you interpret it, then you're not going to have any change in it. Awareness is not enough.

Speaker 1:

JJ. How do some of these core wounds hinder entrepreneurs or hinder people or individuals from creating financial wealth?

Speaker 2:

Well, let's just use, let's stick with abandoned. So this friend of mine that was in my mastermind last year, now she has a regular job but that's not her Zoda genius. Her Zoda genius is this healing that she does in the world and she's very good at it and she's clairvoyant and all the things, and when she does one she feels amazing. But she doesn't allow herself, she abandons herself when it comes to doing her work in the world. So when you have a core word of abandonment and you don't learn, you don't put yourself out there in order to get the clients, in order to help more people. It's not even about money for her, it's really just about being having contribution in the world and activating and using her gifts and talents, if you have.

Speaker 2:

If you have, if you are devalued and you so you devalue yourself, you're going to overcharge, undercharge and you're going to overgive and you're going to have. There's going to be a level of I don't know how to ask for more, because all work and money is is an energy exchange. So if someone's devalued or they feel rejected or excluded or shamed again, these are all symptoms of why you don't charge what you're worth, why you overgive, why you're depleted, why you're burnt out, why you perform for love all the time. So people are going to get stuck in their businesses or whether it be making money or manifesting money, when you don't understand what's stopping you from getting to the next level, and I guarantee it's a core wound Neglected.

Speaker 2:

If you have a core wound of neglected and you spend all your time making money, you're probably going to be sick. You're probably not going to have any good relationships because you're going to neglect the other aspects of your life, which, of course, then will take away from the fact that we're exchanging things here, or it could be that you neglect learning something new. So I think I know that, from my position, this is your key to life. All of it, I don't care what subject matter. Your relationships, your health and your money will all be affected by your core wounds.

Speaker 1:

So give us an example or share, if you don't mind, a story with maybe one of your clients in the past that have had these core wounds. Take us through that story, if you have any, of how that you know you helped this person release I don't know the value, let's just say or rejection, and as you work through with that person they took off or not take off. Give us an example.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I'll give you one. Really it was a very powerful. He was in a three month. He was in the three month course before I made it the rewire course and it was a gentleman who had been in rehab and in therapy for a while in terms of like alcohol and substance abuse, and he was basically on the verge of divorce and I think they did get divorced. But he became kind of cracked open when he started to learn about core wounds. Actually, it's how I got to him because one of my trainers was working with him and then I was running the group program and she said, oh, can you have room in there? I think that he'd be really good for that program and I remember it was in the first maybe two weeks and again, I hadn't given all the tools yet. We had all the different frameworks.

Speaker 2:

But I use a program called Marco Polo. Marco Polo is a video recording app, so it's like a text chain, but they're videos and it's a really important part of the programs because people get to be comfortable with themselves, they get to get support. That's how I'm very different than and my coaches and my programs are very different than traditional therapies, because if you're getting triggered in between your therapy sessions with your therapist. You can't call your therapist and be like, hey, how do you help me through this? But having a group of people support you through a trigger moment, to interpret it differently, to react differently helps to repattern the brain.

Speaker 2:

So he'd come on to report that he had gone to therapy and they were talking about the anger he had about his dad. And then he told this story and I again it was really early in the program, but he was really ripe and really ready and that's really helpful. When someone's really ready, they're like a sponge and they're taking in all information and they're whatever you say. They're taking it in. And he was really ready and I and I Marco'd him back it actually happened on a Marco and I said the story that he was telling and then I and then I replaced it with what I thought was the truth about the situation. I explained that, okay, here's what your position was and why, and I use things like love, languages and then, of course, generational stuff like did your grandparents care if they were happy, or did they care more about being able to afford putting food on the table for your parents?

Speaker 1:

Food on the table, right, I mean they come from poor families.

Speaker 2:

So if you're asking me far more, I am asking you but really, did anyone's grandparents ever talk about whether they were happy or not, or how to be happy? No, nobody cared, because it was all about survival. So of course we have to go back. We can't give them the power to think that they knew what they were doing. They didn't choose to neglect you. You were a mouth to feed, and that was. They were in survival mode. They weren't in a place where their their brain was comfortable and they were feeling safe and secure and full of love. They were feeling afraid all the time. So we have to go back and acknowledge where some of these patterns come from and why, instead of making people villains. Like they knew what they were doing. They didn't know what they were doing, so but everybody has core wounds.

Speaker 2:

So what were their parents like? So I just took him through a scenario of reinterpreting the situation, and I mean it was like night and day because all of a sudden, when he understood that and when he agreed with me, he agreed with me that, yes, when I asked him the questions about his you know how his dad was raised, and then all that in his dad's love language early 40s or early 50s he said I don't. I've never had love for my father and I now feel nothing but love for my father. And this went on for like two months and he was. I mean, he'd come on and be like, is this as easy as it gets? Like could it just be this easy? And he'd be crying because he felt his father's love like his new. His father had passed on but like the new meditation in the morning was to connect with his dad and he'd come in tears and he'd be like, oh my God, I felt my dad, my dad loves me so much. Oh my God, look, he literally changed his past. Like that's what I wanted you to understand.

Speaker 2:

People have these the story of what happened to you and the pain that it creates in you, because you're only telling one side of the story. If you can get to the different perspective of why maybe that person did it and it wasn't the story you're telling, you're going. You can't change what happened, but you can change your response to it, because there was love there that he couldn't see. Now, all of a sudden, he could see it and like the whole world changed. He was like, oh my God, my dad loved me. Oh my God, my dad loved me so much but all he was was angry. I mean angry to the point of, besides drug and alcohol abuse, I mean violence like violence. So angry and we replaced that with love and he'd never had that. So again, it's, it's super. Sometimes it's it's as simple as a reframe and the seeing a different point of view and learning something different. And sometimes it takes some practice, sometimes it takes a little bit more. It takes repeating an uncomfortable behavior long enough.

Speaker 2:

I have a story about my cats on. This is not a but it gives it cats. It will demonstrate neuroplasticity for people and adaptation. So my partner and I we rented an RV last year. Neither one of us had ever been in an RV before and traveled with one and we've got five cats and I decided I want to take the oldest two girls with us because we just got a new little one, sort of by default, and she was a terror and I thought, okay, okay, let's take the two older ones with us. And so we we grab the rv, he drives it up, we pack the thing, the cats go in it and they're like what's this? And they're walking around, they're looking around. They get really curious the minute that we start to drive away, the engine goes on. They freak out and they run into the bed. They dive under the covers, their heads in the corner, and they're shaking because they don't know what's going on. Their brain has no clue how to interpret what's going on, except I'm going to die.

Speaker 2:

I went back there, tried to sue them, but no, no, they were so afraid. New place, new sounds, new movement, new motions, all new. We were gone for five days. Every day we landed somewhere, we stopped the RV, the cats would come out, they relax, they'd be curious, they'd eat, they'd do whatever. The minute we started back up, again same thing, except every day it got a little better and a little better. Until the last day both of them were sitting on my lap as we were driving.

Speaker 2:

Now, that is how the brain will adapt under stress. But it has to adapt under stress, like you want to stress it, with the thing that you're afraid of. Because right now, whatever you're afraid of, whatever behavior I mean, it could be as simple as talking to somebody, calling someone on the phone. People are literally go, oh, my God, I'm going to die. Like you think you're going to die and it's not logical, but your body is literally telling you oh my God, I'm going to die. But you understand that this is the brain trying to keep you safe. So these are the things that you, you don't have to do this particular thing, but things like this you have to do the thing enough times. So the brain goes oh hold on, I didn't die, I'm safe. Okay, it's okay. And then that's how you change the pattern, that's how neuroplasticity happens. You don't avoid the scary thing. You do the fricking scary thing, but again, you don't do it randomly, you do it specifically based on your wound and based on what you're trying to reprogram.

Speaker 1:

A lot of this stuff is making so much sense to me. I heard I recently heard. I'd like to get your take on this I recently heard someone say a man's level of success men or women's level of success is dependent on the level of stress that they can handle, right? So I look at some of which is kind of what you're saying with the neuroplasticity, right, like I look at some of my friends that are playing at a really high level. Right, they're doing very, very well. They have these big companies, big funds, all of this, all these different businesses and things that they are doing.

Speaker 1:

And you know the level of stress and the things that they have to deal with are, you know they're they're high level stuff, right, they, they, they're risking a lot of money out there and a lot of people just can't handle that, but they've trained their brain to be able to be comfortable with that, to be comfortable with that level of risk or that level of stress. And you know, I just recently did my biggest project of my career, which is a big redevelopment real estate redevelopment and that was really uncomfortable for me, really, really, really afraid. Are you doing something? Totally no. So a lot of what you're saying is really vibing with me. I'm really receiving what you're, what you're sharing. How does one put themselves in in in that position, jj, to be able to increase their level of stress, and do you agree with that statement, as you know, as a practitioner of what you do, do you agree with that that the higher level of stress you can handle, you know, the more successful one could be in one given thing or another?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think again I'm going to say that I agree, but in a different, not in a stress, gets defined differently, right? Some people can really handle. Handle it's how you interpret it. And again, that's sort of want to say like, can, because that person like it's the world that you live in. So, like someone who sells, I don't know.

Speaker 2:

Let's say someone who sells someone maybe in my audience she made me this cute little um, like angel out of shells, out of seashells. Right now she probably sells them for 5, 10, 15, 20 bucks, right? So let's say someone who sells and is used to dealing with that kind of money. Let's say, all of a sudden she's told well, these shells that you have are special, they're magic and you should be charging $300 for each of them. Well, that person's going to be like what? Because her perceived perception is that it's only worth 20. And now she's being told they're worth more and this comfort that will happen for her to ask for 300 when she was asking for 20 is the first stage of growth in the what you're, what you get used to, what you're around. It's why when people it's like you're wherever your parents, it's your set point. We're moving into the idea of sort of upper limits. Yeah, if you want to get involved in a new level of investing or a new level of like, I'm sure, now that you've done this big project, if you get one similar to it, no big deal, because you just did it Right, you've already done it. So it's the same way with expanding what we're used to and dealing with money and numbers.

Speaker 2:

I used to charge like $90, like $100 an hour. Okay, that doesn't happen anymore. Okay, but right. But I slowly in time, and even when, my when, when Doug and I got together, I remember cause I'm a podcast coach as well and a business coach, and and he is also a coach as well as a podcast producer and and he would you know, he was charging $4.95 for a one-hour session with people and I was charging $2.97 for two, and I'm like what is wrong with me? And then I went up to $4.97 for two and he would agree with this. So I'm not bashing him behind his back. I have way more tools than he has. I'm a much more rounded coach. He's got a couple tools that really work for him and he's very good at what he does, and he's got a couple tools that really work for him and he's very good at what he does and he's got a history of selling and things that I don't have, even though I'm pretty good at that too. But like literally he would agree oh, you're a much better coach than me, but I'm like but here I am undercharging. So I had to be with someone who valued their time more than me to then reevaluate that I'm undervaluing my gifts and my talents.

Speaker 2:

But it can be a slow progression or you can just jump really high and decide this is what I'm worth and who wants to pay me. But it challenges our belief systems. It challenges what we're comfortable receiving and that has to do with partly with your core wounds but partly with whatever. People get born into families that buy and sell businesses. So millions of dollars to them is not a big deal. They don't freak out at millions. It doesn't mean anything about their self-worth for them to be dealing with millions of dollars or selling houses for multi-millions dollars. This is where their comfort level. They already came into that comfort level, right, but if you and I didn't, then we have to figure out how to get to that comfort level if that's where we want to play.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, thank you so much. This was so awesome. This was such a great interview. You shared so much great information. You mentioned your podcast and I didn't have it in my intro. Would you share that with the audience? Or, if the audience wanted to follow you, check out, listen to your content, how could they find you? How can they find your core wound map? Or how could they do that with you? If someone's listening to us and is like like man, I really invite me with her, where do they connect with you, jj, and how do they find you? My dear?

Speaker 2:

everything's at my website, jjflazanescom. Jjflazanescom literally everything. There are several free sort of master classes. I've got the network under the podcast tab to show you all the different shows that I have. I have currently 16 shows in the network, but my flagship show is called Spirit, purpose and Energy. But some of the same content appears on a couple other shows. So if that doesn't resonate with you because if you're a guy it probably won't at first because it's pink, pink but you can find the same content on women, men and relationships. So go to women, men and relationships or health and wealth that might be one or nutritional alternative medicine or fit to love. Those five have the same shows every week because they're just different outlets for different people to find the same kind of content. So everything's at jjflazainscom.

Speaker 1:

We'll make sure we put those in the show notes. Jj, thank you so much for coming on and sharing this wonderful information. Thank you for doing what you're doing. We need more people like you doing what you're doing out there.

Speaker 2:

Thanks, martin, I appreciate it.

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Martin Perdomo

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