Feeling like your online dating life is a dead end? Join us as single mom turned online dating expert, Krista Melanson, spills the tea on finding love in the digital age. Krista shares her journey and opens up about the challenges (and there are plenty) of navigating the online scene. But fear not! This episode is your guide to ditching the drama, swiping smarter, and finding someone who actually gets you.
We'll explore why ghosting might be the universe's way of saying "NEXT!" and teach you how to avoid becoming a ghoster yourself. Plus, we'll help you focus on what truly matters for lasting love (hint: it's not about likes on your profile pic).
This episode is your cheat sheet to conquering online dating. We'll even get a guy's perspective with dating coach Krista. Download, subscribe, and get ready to swipe right on your happily ever after!
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital.
Sign Up for our Newsletter and get our FREE E-Book where you'll learn everything you need to know about creating financial freedom through multifamily syndication.
Visit www.premierridgecapital.com now!
Introducing the 60 Day Deal Finder!
Visit: www.MartinREIMastery.com
Use the Coupon Code: WEALTHYAFfor 20% off!
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital.
Build Generational Wealth As A Passive Investor In Multifamily Real Estate Syndication!
Visit www.premierridgecapital.com to find out more.
Feeling like your online dating life is a dead end? Join us as single mom turned online dating expert, Krista Melanson, spills the tea on finding love in the digital age. Krista shares her journey and opens up about the challenges (and there are plenty) of navigating the online scene. But fear not! This episode is your guide to ditching the drama, swiping smarter, and finding someone who actually gets you.
We'll explore why ghosting might be the universe's way of saying "NEXT!" and teach you how to avoid becoming a ghoster yourself. Plus, we'll help you focus on what truly matters for lasting love (hint: it's not about likes on your profile pic).
This episode is your cheat sheet to conquering online dating. We'll even get a guy's perspective with dating coach Krista. Download, subscribe, and get ready to swipe right on your happily ever after!
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital.
Sign Up for our Newsletter and get our FREE E-Book where you'll learn everything you need to know about creating financial freedom through multifamily syndication.
Visit www.premierridgecapital.com now!
Introducing the 60 Day Deal Finder!
Visit: www.MartinREIMastery.com
Use the Coupon Code: WEALTHYAFfor 20% off!
This episode is brought to you by Premier Ridge Capital.
Build Generational Wealth As A Passive Investor In Multifamily Real Estate Syndication!
Visit www.premierridgecapital.com to find out more.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Wealthy AF, where you're going to figure out what it means to be truly wealthy AF, and today's guest is Krista Mielison and Krista's relationship and dating coach, helping men and women find their love and create beautiful relationships. Krista was a single mom of three, working multiple jobs and feeling like life had too much to offer her when she decided to turn her life around and step up her dating game. The magic happened Krista met her perfect partner and they are both busy creating their happily ever after, while traveling and living a committed and amazing life together. And today's topic is going to be on the online dating culture. Krista, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here and share a little bit of what it is that I know and believe in in my world.
Speaker 1:Awesome. So you're a dating coach, Krista, and I'm going to get right into it. You have three children. You were a single mother to three children. Did you meet your spouse online?
Speaker 2:I did actually yeah.
Speaker 1:Outstanding. Why don't you tell us that story? Because I hear I have a lot of single female friends and they tell me it's a struggle out there. They tell me how difficult it is with all this ghosting and all this stuff that happens out there. I just made 22 years married, so I have no clue what it is to be out there in the online dating world. It was not even internet when we got together, my wife and I, so we have no clue what that is. So tell us about what that was like for you as a single mom with three children trying to find a spouse online or a partner, significant other, online.
Speaker 2:It was tricky for sure, and when I first started going on the online dating apps, it wasn't my idea to do it, it was actually my daughter's, who was, I want to say, 18 at the time, and she said I'm going to put you on Tinder. And I said well, no, you're not, because that's for hookups. And she said no, no, mother, it's not, that's another one. She said this is just a way that you can meet people. So she actually set up my profile and I sort of started in tentatively, but it was really difficult because once you get to be a certain age, there's other things going on in your head besides just thinking about love and my 21-year-old daughter I talk to her about dating all the time and she's not concerned about anything except meeting a guy and having fun and she's relaxed. But the older you get, you start thinking, ok, well, I haven't done this for a long time, or maybe I'm too old and I don't look as good as I used to look.
Speaker 2:There's so many things that come into play and I suffered through all of those and I got on the Tinder, which was super easy, not difficult to use, and I started making connections with people. So that was a great way to connect with people, but at the same time it was kind of soul-crushing because, like you said, people will ghost you or they're not honest and forthright about who they are. So really did take a lot for me to stay hopeful and brave almost while I did this. But then I'm also living proof that it does work, because I met my partner on Tinder and on paper we were very different. In a million years we probably wouldn't have bumped into each other in real life. So the dating app brought us together and we hit it off, laid a house on fire and on paper we weren't the same, but when it came down to our core values and interests and things like that, we were really very similar and it was great and I couldn't have asked for somebody better if I planned him all by myself.
Speaker 1:Tell us that story of, as I go, you as you get older, being your age, having to go through Tinder, and how many people did you have to go through before you found your guy, before you found your soulmate?
Speaker 2:It was tough. I went through a lot of people, I went on a lot of coffee dates and I chatted with so many, so many men and I had a lot of the hey, how's it go, or just hey, which was just a lackluster effort. And as I did it I sort of refined my process and I said, okay, if somebody sends me a one word, I'm not going to respond. That was effort you're able to make. Then you're probably not the way I want to be. And I had some situations where I talked to. I have one situation.
Speaker 2:I talked to a man for a month, maybe a month and a half. I was traveling and he worked away, so he was traveling and we had a really good connection. We knew several of the same people. It was great. And then, when the time came to get together in real life, he ghosted me and that was the end of that. And then the funny thing is that maybe two months later I was in the grocery store and I walked past this guy and he said, hi, krista, like nothing had ever happened, and just kept on his way and I thought that's just, that's bizarre.
Speaker 2:But all sorts of weird encounters when you meet somebody online, but it's all part of the process, right? I mean, if I bump into somebody on the street, we start up a conversation. You don't know any more about them than you do when you meet somebody online. The trick is to be safe when you meet up with somebody online. But it might work and it might not work. It's just a process of moving through and almost process of elimination moving past the unsuitable matches to eventually find your match.
Speaker 1:So one of my friends tells me that before she goes on a date, she has a strategy, and her strategy is she'll do the zone date before she meets, before she goes out on an actual physical date. What was your strategy? What strategy are you advising for women? Use that safety to stay safe in this crazy online world where people are pretending to be something they're not.
Speaker 2:Well, my strategy is twofold. The safety side of it is that when you're going to meet with somebody, make sure you meet them in a public place and tell at least one person where you're going to be and where you're going and as many details of the person that you're meeting up with as possible, Exercising common sense in terms of don't go somewhere isolated, don't go off with them to a secluded location. You can see common sense like that and I always say when you're meeting somebody on a dating site dating sites are for connection. They're not for actually dating. So if you start chatting with somebody and they seem interesting, then you want to move to a coffee date within a week, maximum two weeks and the reason for that is is that the single best way to determine if they are who they say they are, the first step is seeing them face to face and you can see if it's a 15-year-old boy instead of a 45-year-old man. Right, I mean, that's a great way to almost call their bluff, but there are a lot of people online who are looking for a little excitement and they just want to chat and flirt, but they have no intention of having a relationship because they're already involved or whatever.
Speaker 2:So getting together and meeting with somebody very quickly allows you to verify that that person is real and also to see if you have the chemistry when you're meeting somebody. Right, that's all important, and you don't have to be madly in love at first sight, but you do want there to be a little bit of an oh. I'd like to speak with this person a little more or another time and then, like I said, do your due diligence and do a little online sleuthing if you can, and see if you can find anything out about this person. Looking at their profile on social media is a really good thing because you can sort of get little tips and clues from that right. If they have very few friends or very few pictures, then you sort of want to ask a few questions and make sure they are who they say they are.
Speaker 1:That's a very good point you bring up. So what drew you to becoming an dating coach and online dating?
Speaker 2:When COVID hit, I was working for an airline, so you can imagine how that went. I was found myself out of work and for an indefinite period of time. What I was doing? I was working in an operation center, so I was doing shift work and I sort of thought it wouldn't be the end of the world to get away from that, to have freedom to do what I want, to work from home and create a life that I wanted. And I started thinking about my background and courses that I'd had and what I said at university and all that type of thing and what really appealed to me and what I was passionate about and what I was passionate about. What I am passionate about is my relationship and how grateful I am that I found this amazing man to share my life with.
Speaker 2:And I know a lot of single women my age and had talked to them over the years, people I worked with and friends or whatever. And everybody said the same thing. We all said it's soul crushing, it's humiliating, and the phrase that gets me the most is when somebody says it's not worth the hassle, I'd rather stay single, and that breaks my heart because I don't want anybody. If you're inclined to have a relationship and you want to share your life with somebody. I don't want people to give up hope and say, well, I may as well stay single because it's too much work. Because it's not too much work, I mean, you've been married for 22 years. You know your partner is probably the center of your universe right.
Speaker 2:That is worth so much, and I just want to help people to not give up hope and, to you know, employ some skills and techniques and strategies to ultimately be successful and feel good about dating and then find that person that they can share their life with.
Speaker 1:You know someone I follow online. I was literally. It's ironic that we're having this conversation today. Well, I don't believe in coincidence. I believe God makes everything perfect, but I was rolling through my online feed to actually a few minutes ago, before this, and someone I follow was saying that it's a business podcast. This person has, and he was making a statement that one of the single most important thing you can do is choose your partner wisely, and he's been married 10 years and I am so agreement. I am so in alignment with that your partner. It's so important to find the right partner. Your partner makes you better when you have the right one.
Speaker 1:Of course, there are people that that are just bad people. They're good and bad people right in the world, and there's people that are just dealing with things, but it's, I think, it's extremely important that we find the right one, which it leads me to my next question how does someone avoid getting ghosted online? I hear that's a big thing. You know, I got what? My business partner beautiful, beautiful, professional, smart, intelligent woman and she tells me these horror stories like this guy ghosted me and I. We had such a connection and and so I'm hearing what you're saying about the soul crushing and they just want to give up, and a lot of women just want to give up because it's just, it's a struggle for for many out there. What advice are you giving to someone that spent two weeks texting or whatever happens in those apps, right, why does that happen to begin with, like, I can't wrap my brain around that. You're spending your time, you do this stuff and go through all these motions. Why do you do that?
Speaker 2:Well, ghosting is unpleasant and I haven't got good news about the ghosting. Unfortunately, ghosting is going to happen and I'll tell you why people ghost. It has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. It's because they are emotionally immature, because they are not ready for a relationship, maybe because they are already involved with somebody else. There's a variety of reasons why people ghost just plain old rudeness and lack of consideration. But the reason that somebody ghosts you is never because of you. It's always something that goes on with the other person.
Speaker 2:So the way what I challenge people to do is to flip the thinking on that and I actually say congratulations, you were ghosted. Because you speak to somebody for whatever a week or two weeks and then they ghost you. Well, great, because that's not the type of person that you want to be with anyways. So you are no longer wasting your time with that person and you can put that behind you and say too bad for them, they've missed out on someone. Fabulous, I'm going to move on to my next match and start chatting with somebody else.
Speaker 2:So really is a process of elimination, and when they ghost you, they've taken care of that ghosting for you or taken care of that elimination for you. But I will take it one step further and say that if somebody ghosts you, you have to block them, and it sounds weird because they've walked away from you. But there's a whole thing called zombying, which means somebody comes back from the dead and pops into your inbox a month later and goes hey, how's it going? As if nothing ever happened. But they're going to ghost you again because they're just not the right person. So if somebody ghosts you, block and walk, eliminate them from the list of suitable candidates because they are not suitable. Remember that it's not you because you are fabulous and they either are not ready to understand that or don't understand that. So they're not the right person for you, and move on to somebody who is more deserving of your time and attention.
Speaker 1:What are the biggest misconceptions that single people have about dating in this online dating world?
Speaker 2:The biggest misconception, I would say, is that there's no suitable matches out there, that there's nobody out there for them. I hear a lot of women saying that I'm too old or I'm not interesting enough and there's just nobody out there for me. And it's just not true. Another one that the women always say is that men want a younger woman Also not true. Men love a woman who knows what she wants, and the certain love and maturity is that woman who knows what she wants. So that's an amazing thing. Women shouldn't be worrying about that and putting ideas, projecting their thoughts onto somebody else. Allow them to come to you and realize how amazing you are. So there are so many people out there.
Speaker 2:I hear a lot of men say that women just want a man who makes a lot of money or who's rich, who'll pay for things, and of course, that's not true at all. It's really interesting to hear the men and the women really have the same issues and they both the other sex don't suffer with them. And so men will say well, you know, there's no good women out there, or all the women out there. They don't actually want a relationship, they just want to waste my time, and that's not true. There's lots of women out there looking for relationships. There's lots of men looking for relationships. You just have to be clear about what you want so that you can connect with the right person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what is the number one I'm curious to get from you as a dating coach? What is the number one complaint you get from men from on the online dating world? Versus the complaint or the fatigue I would say that you get from women, are there any differences? What are those common denominators that you find around the month of sexes?
Speaker 2:Well, there's a lot of similarities for sure. The number one complaint I get from men would be that there are no serious women out there. They just want to waste your time with talking and not actually going on dates For women. The number one complaint I hear from them is that men want a younger woman.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think that's new, that's not new information, right? That's kind of been the thing forever before the internet, of the way men and women thought, right. So that's not a new idea.
Speaker 2:Exactly, but it's not true. Women have always thought men want younger women, and there are men out there who want a younger woman, a trophy wife, but for the most part they're not. And I always say this the man who wants a younger woman is not the right man for you. I tell women that because that insinuates that they are more shallow. I hate to say it, I don't mean to be critical, but a little more shallow when they're focusing on surface level things, whereas the right man will appreciate you speaking new, figuratively, as my clients, the people that I'm involved with the right person for you is going to appreciate every part of you, which is not just how you look physically, but also your experiences and the things you've done in your life that have brought you up to this point, who have made you the person you are. So the right person is going to love you for exactly who you are and not want somebody younger just because they look good on your arm.
Speaker 1:So dating fatigue is a real struggle right here. How do people deal with that fatigue?
Speaker 2:I mean, the dating apps can be overwhelming and they can be frustrating. I always recommend, especially if you're in a really big area, to keep your circle, your geographical circle, small to begin with. So let's say you're in New York City. If you say that you are open to connections within 50 miles, you're going to have a huge number. So start out really small with a mile radius, and maybe there's only five people, maybe there's 100 people. Whatever it is, the number is going to be much lower. So work your way through that, get comfortable doing that and then just expand it a little bit at a time to avail yourself of more matches while you're doing it.
Speaker 2:And the thing is to think about the dating apps as a connection and don't spend a lot of time chatting with these people on the dating apps. Move it to a coffee date within, like I said earlier, a week or two weeks maximum. And, believe it or not, I recommend going on two to five coffee dates a week and just start meeting people and reframe the thinking, instead of meeting somebody and saying this could be the one. You meet somebody and say I'm going to make a connection with a fellow human being and afterwards maybe it was a good connection. Maybe it was a bad connection, but it's practice for the next one and they're all practice for the right one, so that you feel comfortable and you start to have a better sense of what you want and what you need in a relationship and a partner. And it becomes a little bit easier to identify that when you're meeting somebody, matching somebody on the apps or meeting somebody for coffee. It becomes just easier, it flows easier the more you do it. It's like practice makes perfect.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a great reframe of the mindset, like, hey, I'm just going to go meet and follow human being and it's just practice for the right person if it doesn't work out, that's a really, that's really really good advice. Actually, I really like that. So my friends, they tell me you go right left. I know there's a few apps. So I went to lunch with a friend, I don't know, six months ago and she was showing me pictures of the different guys that she's connecting with Bumble. She was like, don't touch anything. She was letting me see her the app, but don't touch anything because if you go, whatever, you're just in the wrong way. But how do you stand out right? What advice are you giving to the people you're coaching to stand out on these dating apps? It's just an infinite number of choices and I think and I love to unpack this with you, krista is I think when a human being has so much choice, so the way the brain works is when you give people one option, the brain says one option, two option, three options, anything over three option, the brain goes too many, I got to think about it, right. So when you're making a sales presentation, the buyer says I got to think about it. You gave me too many options, so you narrow down. The job of the salesperson is to narrow down what that person's needs are, what their desires are, and then present three no more than three products so that they can get a decision. Well, that's psychology, right? That's just biology. That's just the way the human brain is wired. And I think when it's so easy as a swipe writer's, swipe left and there's just an indefinite number of folks, that is just like holy crap, that's just a lot for the brain to process, right?
Speaker 1:How does a person stand out? Because what do you got? You got 30 seconds. From what I read, some stats, from what I've read is that men tend to have it harder than women because just women put makeup and they look pretty and it's easier for them. Men have to. I don't understand that. I mean, in real life, women get courted, right, so that. But I don't understand the whole thing of the online. I hear that men tend to have it a little harder than women. They get less options than women get. But the fact that you can go right, left, right, left right, just back, back, back, back, back back what advice are you telling people to be able to stand out?
Speaker 2:Well, the profile or the bio on a dating app is like your sales page, right? So you want to grab somebody's attention. Like you said, there's a few tips and tricks that I always recommend when you're creating your profile. The first one is when you're picking out your pictures. You have to have current pictures. They really need to be within the last six months, maximum a year old, but make sure you're putting pictures that are current of you.
Speaker 2:Another thing is to avoid things like headshots, because they're very sterile. Ideally, you want a picture that will spark interest and make somebody want to ask a question. Like I say, you post a picture of you hanging off the Eiffel Tower with the newspaper in your hand. Somebody's got to say what's up with the newspaper, right? Or whatever. You want something to spark conversation. You definitely don't want pictures with other people because then you run the risk of them going oh, she's really interesting, but it's not you, right. So you want pictures of just you and don't take a picture of you in a ball gown or a tuxedo. If really you're hiking on the weekends type of person. Put pictures that are true, representative of yourself, because if you're a guy and you post a picture of yourself and you post a picture of you in a tuxedo, then you're going to attract the girl who likes to get dressed up and go out, but maybe you'd prefer to go hiking or running or sailing or something right. So make sure your pictures are true, representative, representation. And I know a lot of people think, well, if I put pictures of that time that I went hiking and I put pictures of that time that I went skiing, you're going to draw more people in, but they're not going to be the right people. So if you put a picture of you skiing and somebody thinks, wow, this person loves to ski, I want to meet with her or him, but you don't like to ski, then ultimately that's not going to be the right fit for you.
Speaker 2:Another thing that I recommend when you're writing up your profile bio is not to make it like a resume, because getting to know somebody, dating somebody, that should be a process and take time. They don't need to know right up front that you've got three kids and you work for IBM and you do this. That the other thing you want to make a bio that has a little bit of mystery and leave some wanting more, instead of saying I'm looking for a long term relationship. You can say I'm looking for my last first date, instead of saying I love to travel and I like to watch movies. You can say it's fun to curl up with a movie, but I'd rather wake up under the Eiffel Tower and have breakfast on the park type of thing, because then somebody knows you do like to watch movies but you also like to travel.
Speaker 2:It's to get creative with your write up. Make it short, because then nobody's reading a paragraph or a resume, and short but interesting enough that they say I want to know more about this. And ideally what you have in your bio will be the first question that somebody asks. I know in a perfect job that doesn't always work like that. If you make your bio interesting, then hopefully people will reach out to you and say you mentioned this and that's really interesting because, or can you tell me a little bit more about that? You want a little bit of intrigue.
Speaker 1:There's a lot that you gave our listeners. The one thing that stood out to me I don't know why, but I'm going to this is where my brain went with it. You said make sure you don't take headshots. And as I'm thinking about, Jody showed me her app and I was looking. I saw a lot of headshots and I'm curious as to why you said no headshots. Do you recommend full body shots, and why is that? Because it showed your weight, what you're thinking behind that?
Speaker 2:I'll give you two answers. The first one was I apologize, I should have been more clear. What I meant was no business headshots.
Speaker 1:Okay, like no realtor headshot, it's like the realtor's right the realtor's put they give you this business card. I don't know if you've ever seen them. Right, they give you this. The realtor looks beautiful and then you meet them in real life and you're like wait a minute, Right yeah.
Speaker 2:Who is this? I meant no business. Headshots and headshots are great, but I do recommend putting one full body shot in your picture, because we are all allowed to have different preferences, right? And so maybe a man prefers a woman who's curvy, and if she's a runner and has a very lean body, that might not be his type of person, right? So it's not good or bad, we are all allowed to have preferences. It's more of a loving yourself and owning who you are and showing up saying this is me and I'm fabulous, and the right person is going to think you're amazing.
Speaker 2:But there's nothing worse than being disappointed as the first impression and I know this because my partner has told me this that he chatted with women online and he would meet them in person and he'd walk right past them because they looked nothing like their pictures.
Speaker 2:And then he'd meet them. They come up, they say Billy, and he do double take and not to be rude or anything, but just totally different than what that person looked like in their picture. And you don't want somebody going whoa, you're not what you look like, because that's just not a good first impression. So that's why it's important to have current pictures and that full body picture so that they can make a choice based on you and what they see. And it's imperfect because we are talking about making a choice based on a photo which tells you nothing really about who you are. But you have to hope that if there is that spark of physical interest, they'll read your bio and be interested in that and then strike up a conversation. But it's an imperfect system, but it is just a great way to connect with people. So you sort of take the good with the bad when it comes to dating.
Speaker 1:I want to share a story with you, krista, that I experienced as a I think it was 15 way before the internet. I mean, this was in early 90s, right Mid 90s maybe. So there was this girl that called the house when we had phones in the house, you know the hardwired phone right. And this girl called the house and I started talking to this girl. She sounded really pretty. I was like 14 or 15 years old. I was talking to this girl, talking. We spent hours talking and then finally I said send me a picture. And she lived.
Speaker 1:I grew up in New York City, so I lived in Manhattan, new York City, and she lived in Brooklyn, I think it was. And they said send me a picture right before we meet. And this girl sent me a picture. Man, I'm so glad that you said what you said about we all have the right To have our preferences. And this girl sent me a picture, man, and I was so disappointed and my friend just after me I mean my friends did not let it up because she was, she was way bigger than I wanted her to be. I mean, she was just not my type at all, but we had this and it matured me at that time.
Speaker 1:I just never called the girl like I got ghosted the girl, I mean, it was just one of those things, but I was. I was a kid. But to your point, making sure you full disclose, don't waste your time, don't waste, Don't waste the other person's time. I think that's important. Would you share with us a love story, a success love story other than your own, of any maybe, of your clients or customer or your coaching clients that you've had, that you've coached with using your strategy? Share, maybe, some of the strategies that you've shared that actually worked, and Share that love story with us absolutely one of the first people I worked with.
Speaker 2:Her name was Rebecca and she was the lovely girl and she had She'd been divorced for a few years. She had a son who was oh, I want to say he was maybe eight or nine at the time and she was sort of on the dating apps and meeting people. And it was just failed date after failed date and she started working with me and the very, very first thing that I did with her that I also do with every client is to Encourage them to see themselves for the amazing person that they are, because we all have qualities in one way or another and you know, there's there's something spectacular about you and there's something spectacular about me, and it's finding the right person who appreciates that we don't have to fit into somebody else's mold. We are ourselves, so we need to attract that person to us who believes in us the way we do, and so we started, started working with that. We tweaked her profile pictures and her profile a little bit and I encouraged her to understand, like I said earlier, that Failed dates were no reflection of her, because she would go out in a date with somebody and talk to them a few times and Then, you know, it just would work out. And she beat herself up and say you know what's wrong with me? Help him. Nobody ever wants me. And you know I helped her to understand that it would. They just weren't the right person. But they, that right person was coming along and would there eventually. And so she, she stayed with it and I supported her every step of the way.
Speaker 2:And you know, when she got nervous, we talk about it and and then she finally met somebody and she was really nervous when she first met him. You know she thought he was wonderful and they met and it was very casual. He was adamant that it was just casual, that he didn't want anything serious, he didn't want along to a relationship. That marriage was for stupid people and you know whatever which was hurtful to her. But she saw something in him and they had some sort of connection. So she stuck with it and you know we got to a point where she would I would tell her because I feel like what I do, a lot of what I do is support and encouragement, as well as strategy and tips and things like that so she would text me and say I Haven't heard from him for four hours and I texted him and I said it's Super Bowl Day, right, yeah, and he's a football fanatic, right? Yep, relax, he'll get back to you, right, and things like that.
Speaker 2:And so she learned to. You know, almost. Take a step back, count to ten, take a deep breath before she Throughout the baby with the bathwater. So she took the time to Understand who he was and he took the time to understand who she was. And then I think it was four years later when they get, when they got married. I was at their wedding and they said we need to bring Krista into the picture because if she wasn't, if it were for her, we wouldn't be. So you know it's. It's believing in yourself and having the patience and the courage Sometimes to sit back and wait to see what happens.
Speaker 1:What's the one thing you would give as an advice to a millennial, a Gen Z or a really younger Demographic that they can do? Improve their odds to find the one? Because I, like you said, I know as a Fellow human being we're not, we're not born to be able and do life alone. I could tell you, being married 22 years, life is better together. I need my wife to breathe, but man life is significantly better with her. To have my friend and to share the good times about times and to just go through life and to have someone that I know I can count on and rely on, life is just better.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna give two little pieces of advice. The first one is to Stick true to what you want, right, what's important to you core values. You know, if you really want somebody who Works hard and has a really ambitious career and is focused and driven, then if you meet the guy who's content working in the pizza shop because he's surfing every day, that's not going to be the right guy for you. So make sure you stick to what it is that you want and that there's nothing wrong with that. The second piece of information, of advice that I would give and I think this one's really huge, I'm not a lot of people realize it is that if there are not fireworks and you're not falling in love with them the first Time you meet them, give them another chance, because guy or girl, no matter what, we can all be ner when we first meet somebody. Right, if you have a horribly awkward Encounter with somebody, then that's different.
Speaker 2:But if you meet somebody and you have a great conversation with them and you have a lot in common, but there's no fireworks going off, maybe give them a couple dates to see if that is something that changes, because I know that a lot of people out there think it's going to be love at first sight and it's going to be passion and everything from day one.
Speaker 2:And it's not necessarily the case.
Speaker 2:And I'm not saying somebody for two months and hope that you like them. I'm saying give maybe more than one or two dates to see if there is a connection and something that makes you want to get to know them more, because it may very well be. I mean, how many times do you have to hear stories about somebody you know their best friends for years and years and all of a sudden they're not and they are the most perfect couple right. Took years in some of these cases to get to know somebody. But I'm just saying if you meet somebody who you can talk to and you know you can have an interesting conversation with, then maybe if there aren't fireworks on the first date, given two or three dates and see if maybe things change a little bit. And then, if they're not, you don't owe that person anyone you can say instead of ghosting was great meeting you, but I don't think we're a match. But give yourself and the other person a little bit of a chance to see if maybe there is something there that's just not immediately visible.
Speaker 1:I totally agree with that. You touched on this a little earlier. You mentioned values and I like to add to that for those single people out there, the I think the most important thing, in my opinion, when you're looking for the person your person is your value system have to align, like Half to align. And one thing that I would recommend figure out what your value system and I think it's an alignment to what you said a moment ago About your non negotiables and know what those things that you want. I think, as you're doing that, you need to figure out what your personal values are like. A Is it integrity? For me, integrity is a big thing. Right, integrity, warm, fun. These are some of my values. Right, I like to make money. I like to win, like business. You know these are things that are important to me.
Speaker 1:I think you, as an individual, you need to know yourself what your values are first and write it down. And one suggestion this is not my idea, but I heard someone say this in a podcast. I listened to someone I follow. He said write down what that person know. I have this in my vision board. I have what my ideal relationship is. That's part of my vision board as my finances, my goals and my part of my vision board is what my wife and I ideal relationship is like down with. That ideal relationship is what that person should be like. You'd be surprised you would attract the when you start taking time to know what you, who you are and what you want in a person. You'd be surprised how they start to show up and how easy, how much easier it is for you to identify the person when they show up.
Speaker 1:I think the value system thing is most is the cornerstone. I could tell you that from being married 22 years is the cornerstone. If my wife and I were disaligned in our values, it would be very hard to make things work right. Our family is important to us. Kids are important to us like. There's certain things. Of course we're different. There's certain things she likes and we give each other the room and the space to be ourselves. That you like this.
Speaker 1:You need your time by yourself. My wife is an intro so she needs to get her time. She gets her energy being alone. I'm an expert. I get my time, my energy, being around people. So we understand that for each other and we know what we need and when we need it and we know how to play that. You know give that to each other. I think your value system is he, knowing what that person you don't want to be. You know, like you said, if you want someone that's ambitious, if you've got that guy that's a surfer and working the pizzeria, that's all you want to do surf all day, work by the beach and get out of work and go. That's fine. But know that that's not the guy you want. Exactly Right. So your value system. One last question for you, christa was there anything you didn't share that you should have shared? That would have brought a tremendous amount of value to the audience and myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is something that I really think is important to is when you're talking about your values right, you need to know what it is that you want, what's important to you, obviously, but you also need to identify must haves versus preferences, right, and what people when I want. One of the things I do in my dating attraction bootcamp is I have people do a vision board for their perfect partner and I really encourage them to focus on thoughts and feelings and values and putting that into you know picture that evokes that feeling. But what I don't want people to do is say I want somebody who six foot two, with black hair and green eyes and goes to the gym because you have no idea what your perfect partner is gonna look like until they walk into your life. So make sure when you're looking, when you're filling out the questionnaires or you're thinking about that perfect partner, identify what is a preference versus I must have right, and for me and the reason I always mention this is because it made all the difference in the world for me I'm five foot eight. It's not that tall, but tall enough and I always wanted somebody who is my height or taller, because I'm not a skinny five foot eight, good, solid, five foot eight, and I've always been, you know, self conscious.
Speaker 2:I met somebody who was bigger than me than I would feel like I was, you know, too big or whatever. And it wasn't until I changed my criteria to allow matches who were two inches shorter than me that I met my perfect partner. And now, six years, I wouldn't trade him for all the money in the world, no matter who. If and I thought about this if his exact twin duplicate Clone walk through the door but he was six inches taller, I'd still take my guy.
Speaker 2:So you know, it's really important to make sure that you're not eliminating a lot of people because of a preference when, in all honesty, if you're and I challenge people to ask themselves this question if my perfect partner walked through the door and he had all of these things I wanted, but he was a smoker and I don't want to smoker, would I be okay with that? And maybe the answer would be no, I absolutely wouldn't, but maybe the answer would be yeah, I could live with it for the right person. You know, don't eliminate people on preferences. Make sure that that your elimination is really just must have.
Speaker 1:What about those people? I see it a lot in in women where they think they can change people? Right, when we talk about the must have and the dog and your muscle in your preferences is what you said. I love the way you label that, really like that. What about those people that think he's a smoker but I can get him to stop smoking? Right, with the guys been smoking for 40 years or 30 or 20 years or 10 years or whatever, but you somehow think that you are going to be the one that's going to get him to stop smoking, and that really am. That's really a non negotiable for you, but you think you can get. What are you? What are you saying to them?
Speaker 2:Well, I think, in just broad terms, you're setting yourself up for failure. But I will tell you something my mom told me years and years ago, when I was just a little girl, and Probably some of the best advice anybody has ever given me.
Speaker 1:She said don't marry a man thinking he's going to change, because he won't love that I was watching on Documentary the other day one of the richest African Americans in our country and his wife. There are a biracial couple and his wife. She was being interviewed and she said they've been married on 30 years or something like that. And she said my mom gave me a piece of advice and, ladies, listen to, this is real solid advice. Real solid advice were just what Chris said. She said if you marry a fisherman, don't expect him not to go fishing. So, in other words, if you marry a man, that that's, that's his passion, that is likely. You know that he's a high powered business guy and he's this we is. Don't expect him to change because you're coming along.
Speaker 2:Yep, that's exactly and that's that's true in every situation.
Speaker 1:I don't think. I think that the same was don't be surprised when he goes fishing. Right, marry a fisherman, don't be surprised if he goes fishing. So I think that's really solid, right, yeah definitely.
Speaker 2:I mean, if, if a guy is not a snappy dresser and you want somebody a little more stylish, you can probably tweak that a little bit right. But the core beliefs, the core who makes that person who they are, or their long ingrained, like you said, smoking for 40 years, something like that those are not. Things are likely to change, and not easily. And great for thinking you are that amazing person that can make this person change. But then do you want to make them change? You want to find somebody who doesn't need changing, who's like oh well, this is the start of something great. You want, this is great.
Speaker 1:Correct and you want that person, you want the person that you're with your person to be comfortable in their own skin, right, like that's part of a relationship. Guys, you don't have to fake it. You are just you, like you know, my wife doesn't eat meat. You need red meat. Yesterday I cooked up some steak right, grilled some steaks here. Now, right, she doesn't eat red mean, but I bought her her chicken and I made her her chicken. It's just you got it. You know.
Speaker 1:There's days and I'm like, hey, babe, I want to, I want to eat a steak. Let's go to steak dinner and she'll go with me, no problem, I'll get a salad, she'll have chicken at the. They sell chicken, they sell shrimp at the steak places, right? So don't try to impose yourself. Let people in their time. She wants to have her stuff. And I'm like, okay, babe, let's go do it. Right, that's what you want today. Let's go do it, that's what you're craving. Let's do it. It's just let people be who they are. I think those are the best relationships, for you encourage one another to be the best version of who you are. Chris, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your your insights and your wonderful tips on the online dating culture. If people wanted to connect with you, if people wanted to follow you on social, get together with you, maybe hire you for a coaching, because it's tough out there from what I hear. And how do they find you? Where do they connect with you? Tell us how.
Speaker 2:Well, thanks for and I really appreciate you having me on here. It's been great, great conversation. When people Want to meet or connect with me, the number one best way I always suggest is to find me on Facebook, and that's just christa molanson. My name, care is t a m e l a n s on, and that's the way they're gonna get a little glimpse into me. Creep me, if you will, but find out a little bit about what I'm doing and you can see me who for who I am, because it's not, it's my facebook profile, so it's got business stuff, but it's also, you know, my partners there. My kids are there and my kids are grown by the way, so it's not like I'm sending people to look at my young kids, but you know that's the best way to get a little idea of who I am. And also instagram I'm just at christa Marie dating.
Speaker 1:You guys heard it here. Thank you, christa, for coming on, really appreciate it and you're welcome to come back on the show anytime I did thanks again, mark.
Speaker 2:No, it was great talking to you.